27 Days
Within the first year after Terry’s death I had a desire to write about him using his travel journal and input from his friends as a template. I sent out a two page questionnaire to his closest friends. My project was stopped immediately when I got a very negative response from one of Terry’s friends saying, “Your project is a violation of Terry. He would not want his life to be written about as you’re suggesting.” The letter had some heat. I wrote back with a “thank you, I will not proceed.” Okay, his friends knew Terry and had shared life with him. I had not.
This evening I read the one questionnaire I received from a very dear and close friend of Terry, Connie Kennelly. Terry has come to life this evening, 28 years after his trip and death, with Connie’s thoughtful and loving response to my questions. Before completing his amazing trip I want to share Terry from Connie’s heart. The following are excerpts.
[I recently made contact with Connie. Along with a nice conversation I shared her writings from the questionnaire. We had pleasant memories and laughs. What a special treat in this writing project! As she had in 1995, Connie granted me permission to share her thoughts about Terry.]
In response to my wanting to learn about their history as friends, Connie shared the following: “We met while he was a waiter at Primavera in 1990. On July 4, 1992 I stopped in to wish everyone a Happy July 4th and Terry asked if he could join me in watching the fireworks at the Hotel del Coronado (below)…We returned to my house where he had some pasta salad I had made and talked until the wee hours of the morning. From that time on, Terry and I shared our daily lives until he died…he was my best friend. He was so supportive of me. How I miss him!”
Unrelated to illness and death, I asked about memories, of his strengths and weaknesses, how he might be characterized. She wrote: “Our talks over the phone and in person were stimulating and provocative and we discussed everything from the latest recipe in “Bon Appetit” to “Oprah’s” latest issue on her show. We went to many movies together and discussed those thoroughly, critiqued the restaurants we ate at and the books we were reading. Terry was intelligent, generous, caring, reliable, impatient, intolerant, argumentative, loving, opinionated, passionate, with marvelous taste in furniture, furnishings, clothing, food, and people. He was soothing and yet disturbing at times…but he was always there for me.”
I wanted to know about Terry’s experience with HIV/AIDS. Connie learned of Terry’s illness the night they went to the fireworks. She wrote: “He suffered all of the symptoms of loss - - shock, denial, anger and, finally, acceptance. I witnessed these emotions on a daily/weekly basis. As he grew into accepting his disease, he became serene, full of wisdom and grace. He was open to all avenues and explored many methods of treating AIDS.”
What was it like for him to live with AIDS? She wrote: “When I met Terry, he was ending a long relationship with Tom. He had moved into his own apartment where he was ‘starting a new life’...Shortly thereafter, he learned that his life was endangered and subsequently was forced to quit his job and move back to his beautiful room at Tom’s. I worked on his letter to loved ones to support his trip…I was also his first client when he decided to house clean. I had never had a cleaning person and what a treat! Terry was immaculate! Terry’s trip to Europe was a blessing for him. He planned each and every phase, which took considerable time and energy and which he so needed to focus on…his final goal…His ‘final hurrah’ and life’s challenge.”
Terry was facing death. HIV/AIDS therapy had not evolved and was not available at that time. Many were dying of the disease. He was on the down side of the cusp of therapy. Our father was on the down side of cardiological medicine when he died. New therapies for both diseases were not far down the road. Just as I write this I figured out that Dad and Terry died at nearly the same age. Terry was 48 and Dad was 49!
So what was it like for Terry to be facing death? How was he coping? Connie shared: “About a month before Terry died, we were at Balboa Park one afternoon together and he shared his feelings about death and dying with me. He told me he was not frightened. He’d come to terms with his disease and dying. This was the only occasion, however, that we discussed his ultimate death. Up until the end, Terry’s will to live was strong. He loved life, Ben [his Corgi], flowers, gardening, cooking, traveling, too much to actually give up. I saw Terry for the last time at 7:30 p.m. June 11, 1994 [the night before he died]. I went to his room to tell him goodbye. He was standing in his bathrobe with a towel wrapped around him ready to shower. I told him I was leaving and he said ‘Take care, I love you, and I’ll call you tomorrow.’ He would not say goodbye.”
As Connie reflected on Terry’s life and death she wrote: “He was there for me so many times when I needed someone and I was there for him. I often feel his presence, as I do throughout filling out this form. He was a powerful influence in my life, as I hope I was in his. I think of him most when cooking his fabulous recipes or watching a good movie. We did a lot of cooking for each other and he was the best chef in the whole world!...Terry’s existence on this earth was most meaningful. I learned, as I am sure others did, from him and his dynamic presence. Terry was a true gentleman and an outstanding human being. Terry was interesting and a joy to be with. He carefully chose his close relationships. I feel so blessed to have been his friend.”
I have gleaned from Connie’s response to my questionnaire. There is more, typed tightly on two pages. Pages that brought Terry to me with a depth that I had never known before.
Inserted above is the Washington, DC Aids Quilt photo in remembrance of Terry. The link below tells the wonderfully amazing story of the quilt project that started 43 years ago. From the history:
Today, the AIDS Memorial Quilt is an epic 54-ton tapestry that includes 50,000 panels dedicated to more than 110,000 individuals.
https://www.aidsmemorial.org/quilt-history
Along with completing the story of his round trip to San Diego, a photo of Terry’s quilt piece will be shared next week.